Estate Agent Glossary

I am looking for a new pad. After trawling the internet and the property pages in the free MEN I have been to see several contenders and am starting to learn the language of the Estate Agent. So to help you avoid wasting weeks plodding around the city trying to find the holy grail that is the perfect city centre property, I have created a glossary of what those shiny ads actually mean.

“In the heart of the city” : Salford is a city, you know.

“Large open plan living area”: with a fold-down bed in a cupboard, how handy is that?

“Five minutes walk to the Northern Quarter”: It’s in Ancoats. Well, technically, Clayton.

“New development” : Still being built… enjoy the cranes and the constant sounds of drilling!

“full of period features”: Still draughty and damp from when it was a cotton mill, but with lovely public loo-style tiles from when it was an office in the 1970s.

“fully furnished to a high standard” : it has a plasma TV built into the wall, but two stacking chairs and an upturned cardboard box in the kitchen.

“Bargain of the year!” : the mould’s name is Harry, he seems to like you.

“Ideal for the young professional around town”: as long as you work such long hours you are never there to notice how it’s so small that you can sit on the loo and touch everything in the apartment.

“near to local nightlife”: have fun cleaning drunken vomit off your front door every Sunday morning.